• Lilith Fury

How old were you, when you first hated your body?

TW: eating disorder & self harm

How old were you when you first hated your body? Or found out society did?

I was in 1st grade.

I wasn’t fat. If anything I was very small for my age. With one exception... I had precocious puberty. This meant that I had tiny little breasts forming, and began to walk with a sway.

This, to my family, meant I was a failure.

It meant strict dieting, and micromanaging of all activities to make sure they were active enough. What my family didn’t realise was that they made me feel so ashamed, and ugly, that at the age of 7 I no longer ate ANYTHING at school, with friends, or where others could see me, except during meals at home where they watched me intensely, commenting on how I wasn’t as thin as my sisters were at my age though they were 5 inches taller, and weren’t pubescent back then. I learned that the scale determined my worth, as well as my punishments. If it went up, I was bad. If it went down, it was never enough. Two years later I developed bulimia. Using a glitter toothbrush cuz throw up was gross and I didn’t want to get any on me. Then came anorexia. I battled my body for decades, often punishing myself for my perceived imperfections by punching myself, hitting myself with a belt, pinching, cutting, and burning.

I was told that I had body dysmorphia, and that it would never go away. I was told I could only learn to manage it. When I began to gain weight, my first thought was to hack it off in the hospital parking lot so they’d have to save me, and though I’d be scarred, it would be better than being fat. I didn’t see anything wrong with fat people, but I knew that others did. And I knew that I never wanted that.

I tried fighting the weight gain with 500 calories or less, 5 net carbs per day, and 9 hrs strenuous exercise per day, but... it didn’t work. I knew it was time to change. I started working on recovery for my eating disorder, as my body rapidly continued growing. I found out I had some health problems, and the cost to take care of them destroyed my small business. So I exploited my growing body, and insecurities on cam for money. 3 months later I was apathetic to all comments on my body. Good or bad.

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